The one that got away :(

Did u ever dreamt of the same person over and over again? Dreams are something unintended. I do wish i dont dreamt of him so many time. He is the guy i secretly admired during high school. Its heartbreaking when he acted so shocked and happy when he knew it was me sending him all the letters. He even came again to school twice to see me. But i was to naive. I dont know how to react. He just wanted to talk. But i left him with this questions in his mind - i thought u liked me, why u treat me like that?. I was too scared and dont know what to do. You were the first guy showing interest to me. Im sorry. I wished, i never told him who the hell i am.

Now, i keep on dreaming of you. It was beautiful each time. The best part is, i remember it clearly. Like just now, u came to me crying. Saying u miss me. U said u had a hard time. I do hope u are ok in your real life, AHMY, the one that got away. I do miss u too.

Hi curl, Hi risk
TI 98-99-00

Yesterday was a dull day for me. Listening to a broken marriage stories remind me of mine. Nope, mine not broken. Yet. Hopefully not soon. I'm too vulnerable to face that kind of situation. Listening to in how people cheating, being cheated, it breaks my heart. I do believe in the marriage's tie, its all about trust n love.

And today the dullness seems to lingers. Suddenly, I miss my friends. Whom I seldom have time to see. Actually, I always have time. Not them. Updated a status on FB expressing my thought, a history of the moment smells like flowers, cute goatee n tall guy that I had crush with a decade ago, liked my status. Hmm. No, sorry dude. Im not talking bout you, but thanks for the like tho. Hahaha.

When u crushed someone's heart, don't u dare expect for forgivenes. Its ju

Almost 2 years i didnt write anything on this medium. 2 years is a short time but fills with so many event. Good, bad, so-so or blurry, it happened. Too many stories to tell but i wont rush. Live is easier nowadays, financially. But hey, life will not let u live according to your perfect perfecy plans. My love life is so-so. But the beautiful outcome from it, i met my new bestest friend and companion. We just met, 10 months ago and we fell in love instantly. Wouldnt change it for gezzillion dollars. My true true love, my soulmate. My lil Bnana.

Procastination

It was unintended, but somehow my mum know that something is bothering me. I was busted. But anyway, I guess it's a good thing. I don't have to avoid talking to her any more. I'm actually relieved.

But, life isn't that easy, sister. I need to step up. Be more aggressive. I need to.

Today, I am sick. I have fever and flu going on and its not beautiful. I hate flu. I got this liquid non stop flowing out of my nose. Its annoying!

I guess my adventure to the aggressiveness can start tomorrow. Ha!

Sakit

Pabila dilanda sakit atau susah, terus-terus teringat pada yang mencipta. Masa senang dan sihat? Dah nama pun manusia. Lupa tu normal la. Dah 3-4 hari dilanda demam, selsema, sakit tekak dan pening kepala. Bersin tak henti-henti. Semalam, turun lagi satu ujian. Air tiada. Aduh! Bil dh byr on-time. Ape hal?

Telefon provider, takde org jawab (biasalah tu..) tp di pengakhirannya air ada balik. Tapi karat! macam kopi. Rase lega. Tapi dalam hati tahu yang itu bukan pengakhiran bagi semua masalah. Tapi rasa syukur tetap wujud!

Di saat  sebegini, adakalanya akal dibodohkan dengan perkara-perkara tak sepatutnya. Tapi nasib masih menyebelahi. Ada yang masih mendokong. Ada yang sanggup mendampingi. Terima kasih.

Mood nak menaip sudah terbang. Air hidung ni tak berhenti mengalir.

Way to go Gut

I've mentioned that life is hard. Especially when I tend to live in denial. I do want to reveal the truth. Telling everyone how I am, truthfully. But, when the day to reveal to everybody, I never thought that it was really THAT hard. I choked. So I grab a glass of water, drink it and went to my bed and sleep.

So, the next day, I woke up to the most annoying fact that I fail miserably to fix my life, even it is the most simple way to do it. Damn you gut!

Pelik

Sungguh aku tak faham. Anda faham? Lebih kurang beginilah ceritanya.

Ade manusia yang suka ambil kesempatan atas kesusahan orang lain untuk merasakan diri sendiri lagi hebat. Dalam keperihatinan yang diberi sempat juga untuk membuat diri terasa lebih berguna. Dalam masa yang sama, memberi lebih kehinaan pada yang sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga.

Tak sangka. Ada juga manusia macam ni.

Mungkin saya patut duduk saja di dalam gua ini. Sebab yang di luar semua tak dapat dijangka.

Tekan

Bile terasa beratnye tekanan yang diterima, rase macam nak menangis selamanya. Kasi hati tu reda. Tahan nangis nanti sakit dada. Lepaskan aje la. Tak semua yang mendamping faham sanubari kita. Rasa nak meluahkan jadi takut sebab sayu nanti dicerca. Takut. Itulah punca kenapa hati memendam rasa.

Kalau nak digebang-gebang pun bukan benda yang seronok. Tak dapat nak membayang ape yang akan terjadi. Apakah reaksi. Takut lagi. Jadi diamkan diri. Biarkan tali menjerut leher sendiri. Lelah. Payah. Tak mampu nak buat ape dah.

Orang ade bercakap, kalau nak mengubah nasib sendiri, sendiri lah yang kene usaha. Takkan nak mengharapkan orang lain usahakan untuk diri? Usaha usaha. Bukan tak berusaha. Tiap hari berusaha. Nasib je belum menyebelahi kita.

Dulu orang pandang kite. Sekarang pandang juga. Cuma cara pandangan je dah berbeza. Maklumlah, dah tak ade gaya.

Hopeful Wishes

I feel like running away. Away from all this. I wish I have the money to put some gas in my car and go anywhere. I wish I can tell those people who really care, about my situation. I wish I can hug my mum now and cry. I hope she didn't hate me for what I've gotten myself into. I wish I can speak with her. Telling all my problem. Hearing her voice. Assuring that all these will be gone. 

I wish I have somewhere to go with someone. Live life recklessly. I really wish that someone can cook some special dinner for me. I wish someone can treat me nicely. I wish I got flowers from someone I like.

I wish that one day I'll have kids of my own. I wish that my mum can see me pregnant, take care of me after labour and play with my kids. I wish my mum and I live long enough for that.

I wish that all my wishes come true. 

I never gonna stop loving my mum. My true true love.

Good Weeping

Up and down. That's life. That's reality. Mine is currently down. Maybe there was so many ups before? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I'm not so grateful back then? Maybe.

Well that's suck. Haha.

Nowadays, myself is extra sensitive. Reading about dying pet or watching sad movie really brought tears to my eyes and nose. I cried so hard cause I know how it feels when you lost something or someone you really love. 

Happy tears scene also makes me cry. That's how sensitive I am right now. Yesterday, I watched 'My Left Eyes See Ghost'. Actually, I already watched it like 5-6 times. But, I still cried when May scream her lungs out calling for her her husband's spirit. I weep. I usually avoid watching or remembering any sad scene cause I know, I will definitely cry. But nowadays, those weep-kick-off scene is indeed needed.

Those weeping session really makes me relieved. So, if you're feeling down, or sad or suicidal, please watch sad movie. Anything that will make you weep. Please. That will take out those heavy burden in your chest. Trust me. It works. Do try. But please do it in the comfort of your own home. Weep face is not a public trend yet.

Ok, I think I need a good weep now, let see, what should I watch?

Anak Dara Tua

Andartu. Aku punye definition ialah perempuan yang melebihi umur 40 tahun tetapi masih belum berkahwin.

Sebahagian anak dara tua (andartu) ade perangai yg lain macam sikit. Emotional  tak tentu hala tu for sure ade. Tak tahu lah kenapa mesti nak emo. Sikit-sikit emo. Sikit-sikit terasa. Sikit-sikit merajuk. Ape masalah kamu? Oh!! Sebab kamu dah tua tapi masih tak kahwin lagi maka hal tu jadi masalah semua orang? hal tu jugak menjadikan kamu ni orang yang asik nak marah-marah? pentingkan diri sendiri? mulut celupar? hipokrit? Kalau kite tanye kenapa buat macam ni. Jawapan die senang.

'Kenelah paham, aku punye emosi tak stabil macam kamu. Kamu dah kahwin'

Eh? Kamu merempan tak tentu hala hanya kerana aku dah berkahwin? Peliknye! Kan? Ulasan aku simple je. Kalau teruskan perangai camtu memang takde lah sape-sape nak kat kamu.

Ade sebab kenapa kamu masih tak berkahwin. Jangan berani salahkan orang lain. Ambil cermin. Telek puas-puas. Bukan hanya pada fizikal. Tapi juga pada sanubari. Kalau cantik tapi hati busuk. Maybe ade orang yang nakkan kamu. Tapi agak payah nak kekalkan hubungan itu. Kalau dah rupa buruk hati pun same busuk. Layangkan aje niat berkahwin tu kat gaung mane-mane.

Pucuk pangkal hati.

Boleh dikatakan kebanyakkan andartu ade perangai yang pelik. Tak dinafikan ade yang baik hati. Redha atas ketentuan ilahi. Tapi so far yang aku jumpe mostly perangai memang mental. Kenduri kahwin adik sendiri tak mau datang. Katenye allergic ngan kenduri kahwin. Paksa mak/bapak die menangkan die sebab life die dah sucks sebab tak kawen-kawen lagi. Kalau tak nanti die jadi gila salahkan mak/bapak die. Tak boleh tegur even buat silap sebab nanti die terasa, pastu terus nak bunuh diri. Tak bagi sesiapa dalam keluarga cerita happy-happy pasal dapat baby or nak kawen sebab nanti die terasa siap menangis-nangis or bunuh diri.

Ni aku bagi contoh sedikit aje. Nak cite semua aku jadi berbulu pulak. Sumpah aku boring dgn orang camni. Memang ade je manusia yang even dah kawen pon perangai setan masih ade. Wujud. Tapi fokus aku kat sini pada andartu.

Pasal dia ni la mood raya aku pi bunuh diri terjun gaung. Tak sanggup nak melayan.


Dah-dah la tu ye.

Masalah

Memang, kita akan rase kepentingan sesuatu pabila ianya sudah tiada. Seperti duit. Bile ade memang akan dibelanja aje. Bile dah takde baru nak rase terpempan. Bile dah takde mule kelam kabut. Semua tak kene. Duit oh duit. Inilah masalah kalau dah jadi hamba duit. Hamba dunia.

Kalau dulu semua kehendak boleh dipenuhi. Senyum memanjang. Kali ni, senyum pun kene paksa. Window shopping itu je lah. Sedih? Ye. Marah? Mungkin. Terseksa? err. Tak kot. Masa macam ni kita belajar walau ape yang terjadi agak lega jika kalau ade yang berada disamping. Memang lega. Harap kekal sebegitu. Sebab kalau tak, rase boleh jadi gila.

Nak tak nak kene terima lah. Bukannya bende ni jadi tanpa sebab. Kadang-kadang nak menghindarkan diri dari satu masalah mesti akan timbul masalah yang lain. Contoh, nak hindarkan diri dari suami yang suka mendera maka ada sesetengah lari dan minta cerai melalui mahkamah. Tapi, kene terima hakikat orang akan mengata kita. Masyarakat kite ni memang kuat dan bersatu hati kalau nak mengeji orang-orang yang bakal atau yang memang dah dapat title 'janda' kan? sungguh bersatu hati lah.

Kesian.

Sama juga macam kalau kite takmo tempuhi jam kat MRR2 untuk ke Jalan Ampang, kite akan juga tempuh jam di KL. Sama jer. Mana-mana celah kite pergi, masalah tetap ade. Hanya berbeza tahap keseriusan aje. So, maksud di sini, hidup ni penuh masalah. Tapi hanya dengan cara berhadapan dengannya sahaja dapat mengawal ketetapan hati samada nak jadi gila atau nak jadi orang yang sangat berfikiran positif.

So far, aku rasa aku bakal gila kalau tak dapat penyelesaian dalam 2-3 bulan. haha. Sangat positif ya?

Less Miserable

It happen every time. Whenever I felt I'm all alone, sad and sappy, she come along. Asking and winding, commiserating. Whenever I think that she is not concern, she come. Without being asked.

Thank you, sister. You made my life less miserable.

I received an offline PM from someone I really wanted to talk to. hmm. Maybe today is not so bad at all. Yep. Not bad at all.

Numb

At this point, my life is not what I've imagined 2-3 years back. It is pathetic now. I hated it now. What I wanted never end in my hands. Which is sickening. I always made very stupid decisions. Turn out that it eating me alive inside out. My heart hurts. My head aches.

I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. As if I'm all alone. People that supposed to understand my life right now is ignoring me. Letting me walk it by myself. Thank you. How nice. I wish I'm still me 4 years ago. Where I'm so free. So happy. So sexy and people love me.

Now? Even I hate myself. 

Thank god for this blog. It won't help me solve my crisis but it helps me to forget bout some. hmm. Anyway, this weekend will be the most heart-wrenching moment of my life. Thanks to that person. Way to go!

Talam

'Kau tau, Si A ni memang celaka ok, ade ke die cakap tudung aku ni old-fashioned!'

"Yeke? Ish sialnye, macam la die tu up-to-date sangat? puh-lis la"

Itulah antara butir-butir perbualan Dompot dengan Sengau. Kata-kata hambur dan mengeji tak pernah lekang dari bibir-bibir mereka. Meluat? Memang. Berbulu? Sudah pasti. Telinga ni kalau ade wayar dah lama aku cabut takmo dengar perbualan diorang mengutuk Si A.

Tiba-tiba, Si A lalu. Lalu Dompot dan Sengau menegurnya.

'Akak! lawanye baju akak. Matching la ngan beg akak. How lovely!'

"A-ah la kak. Akak beli kat mane? Gorgeous nye! Jealous saya kak"

Pernah tak terjadi situasi begini depan mata anda? Harap-harap anda bukan la Dompot atau Sengau. Kalau ye. Anda memang sangat keji.

Perbuatan seperti talam dua muka ni memang dah jadi perbuatan ruji masyarakat kita. Boring? Of course. Kadang-kadang rase nk sepuk je. Tapi siapalah aku? Aku bukan Si A. Aku hanya pemain di tepian corridor. Tetapi, perbuatan itu amat mengundang rase jelik aku. Si A tu xde la baik pun dengan aku. Tapi tak perlula nak mengutuk sampai begitu sekali. Yang rase peliknye tu, dorang ni tak rase segan ke sebab aku terdengar dan terlihat perlakuan jelik mereka tu?

Ke memang dah takde kemaluan dah?

Kadang-kadang tertanye, adakah semacam itu mereka dengan orang lain selain A. Adakah mereka sebegitu pabila dengan aku? Tiba masa kalau kantoi depan aku. Memang aku maki free. Tempat kerja dijadikan tempat mengutuk orang. Ah! Aku tau aku pun tak baik. Aku hanya menghamburkan rase jelik. 

Harap-harap di masa hadapan tak perlulah aku bertemu atau berhubungan dengan orang-orang seperangai begini. Kerana aku pasti aku akan memaki.